sometimes it sucks!
dispatches from the depths of mercury retrograde, plus thoughts on the upcoming new moon and cazimi in scorpio
The morning after I published last week’s Mercury retrograde newsletter — in which I encouraged everyone to simply be grateful and vibe their way through a tricky astrological period — I woke up to more than $1300 in fraud charges on my debit card.
In the week since, I’ve been schooled by Mercury retro again and again: The bank originally said the fraud charges wouldn’t go through and then let them through anyway. I found out I didn’t have a plus one to an event I’d already gotten my boyfriend to change his work schedule for. I published a story riddled with typos, and then fixed all those types for the print edition, and then the print edition somehow had a new typo. I’ve been sick with a cold and some other health issues I can’t seem to kick. I’ve had constant tech glitches and been constantly in traffic and I have a to-do list I can’t seem to tackle and an apartment I can’t keep clean and everyone is pissing me off and I’m tired all the time and and and
I don’t say this to complain (at least, not entirely), but to just be so for real: Sometimes, I think I approach intense and difficult astrology (and intense and difficult points in life) with a sort of toxic positivity. I have an instinct, sometimes, to sort of spiritually gaslight myself and others, i.e. “Life is gorgeous and perfect and God is good and she loves us and there is nothing to worry about and nothing bad ever happens!”
And on one level, I do think all of that is true, and it does not feel fair to complain. My life is gorgeous and perfect. I have a job. I have a wonderful partner and loving friends and family. I have access to medical care and a roof over my head. And, also, having acknowledged all of that: I am just straight up not having a good time right now.
I’ve heard the same from many of you — two parking tickets in one day, a sudden breakage with a lover, a week of endless and compounding work annoyances — and while I mean everything I said last week, I do think I sort of underplayed the annoying difficulty of this stretch.
This realization has had me reflecting on some previous Mercury retrogrades, and I do find that there is usually something of a cycle to them: The first week and a half or so I tend to be edgy and confused and frustrated and mad at everyone. I don’t know what I’m supposed to learn or how I’m supposed to grow, and I want out.
But then it starts to shift, and to lift, and, at the risk of further engaging in toxic positivity, I think this week is the week for that. (The astrology really does support this; it’s more than just “messy!!” this week, as it basically was last week.)
Late Wednesday or early Thursday, depending where you live, we have the new moon in Scorpio. This moon leads us right into the Mercury cazimi, which is a moment when Mercury and the sun conjoin, and it is, especially during Mercury retrograde, always a burst of clarity amidst the fog.
Historically, cazimi day has brought me remarkable answers and reality checks if I’m willing to open my heart and listen, and every new moon is a beautiful moment for planting fresh seeds — though I want to caveat that for the Scorpio new moon, at least a little bit.
The moon is “in its fall” in Scorpio, meaning it’s not in its healthiest state for manifesting and starting new things. Instead, what I think this moon is perfect for is going inwards, for being with ourselves and being curious about our needs, our relationships, our energy, our time, our spirits.
This cazimi and the new moon are both amplified by the fact that they sit opposite in the sky from Uranus, which is the planet of strangeness, unexpected encounters, transformations, revolutions and general weirdness. It has the power to turn the tide in a major way.
So here’s what I recommend: On Wednesday, sit down and journal. What’s been coming up for you? What’s been annoying? What have you been avoiding? What’s felt uncomfortable? What are you projecting? What are you withholding? What has the strangeness of the last week revealed for you and about you?
See what comes out. I find that when I journal stream-of-consciousness, it often reveals that I know stuff on some subconscious level long before I realize I actually know it. So use whatever reveals itself to set some intentions — less “What do I want to do?” and more “How do I want to be?” — and then offer some earnest questions to the cazimi: What is there for me to learn? How can I grow through this? What is the universe asking of me? What do the cosmos want me to know right now?
Then tuck it away in your journal or put it on the altar under a crystal or burn it up and let it blow away in the wind and then keep your heart and mind open for answers on Thursday. It will come, probably in the most unexpected way possible, I promise.
With all of this said, I will offer this little thought that has been percolating for me: I think one of the lessons I’m taking from this Mercury retrograde is to simply let it suck sometimes. To let life be difficult and annoying and not pretend it isn’t.
My meditation teacher has emphasized this over the years and I’ve been better at it at some points than others. Before we go up and out, we have to go down and in. We have to be honest, to reckon with reality deeply, to be with the shadow, to acknowledge what is before we can go to manifestation or creation or the higher states. Otherwise, we’re just bypassing, and the higher states are an illusion.
It is Ram Dass, always, who speaks to it perfectly: “The art of life,” he said, “is to stay wide open and be vulnerable and yet at the same time to sit with the mystery and the awe and with the unbearable pain — to just be with it all.”
So this week, I have nothing but the intention to just be with it all, good and bad. Scorpio is a great teacher of this. It is so comfortable in the depths and the darkness, and I aim to embody that depth as I bring my annoyance and anger and exhaustion to the altar of this new moon and cazimi and see what moves through.
For further reading this week: Here is my newsletter from the last Mercury cazimi, here is my newsletter on new moon rituals from the last new moon, and here is my newsletter from the start of Scorpio season on the power and depth of this Scorpionic archetype, all of which seem relevant again.
Let me know how you’re all doing and how all this astro is landing. My books are open for (extremely limited, or I’ll go crazy) readings, both full birth chart readings or shorter Mercury retrograde specific readings. Reach out for details. I love you all. XO.